Standard Disclaimer: The show, Brimstone, and all characters in it, including
Ezekiel Stone and the Devil, belong to Fox and not us. We have just borrowed
them for a while and will put them back when we're done. Honest! We are poor
as ragged churchmice and what's left belongs to the Universal Unconscious. Sue
at your own risk. We're so broke we can't even pay attention.
by LadySerez and LadyRhian
LadySerez@aol.com and LadyRhian@aol.com
Deep within the caverns of Hell, a bell clanged,
sounding with a loud and
raucous clatter. The sound of trudging feet came in its wake as a group of
sinners came together for a very special reason.
The secretaries of Hell were coming.
It was time for that much-beloved part of their day, a time venerated and
cherished even in the world above. In a word, Lunch.
Forty-five minutes of bad food, good coffee and all the latest gossip,
with a relish that was known to turn even Satan himself pale as snow.
The cook perked up his head and then winced. Secretaries... may they be
damned, he thought. Then remembered that they were. He yelled to the demon
stirring the soup (it looked like a cross between tomato soup and gunpowder...
and tasted like it, too.) to hurry up and pour the soup into the slurry.
It was bad enough that imps kept stealing the silverware, chairs were bolted
to the floor. But if the food was late.. Secretaries. One wouldn't think to
look at them that they held such power. The cook hadn't, not until he'd
displeased Mammon and gotten sent down here. The hellish secretaries had told
him to keep the food available for their lunch. If he didn't, they'd send him
over to Beelzubub. *That* demon liked to do things with his whips even de Sade
hadn't thought of even when he'd been alive.
"Damn! Out of spoons again! How do they expect us to eat soup without a
spoon?" one of the secretaries groused. "What am I supposed to do? Cut it with
a knife and fork?"
"You could always have the special," one of the others replied.
"Mmm..." the first secretary sounded less than pleased. "Raw Oysters or
Scungili. What a choice."
"Yeah. What a choice. Live squid that squim all over the table, or oysters
that stick their tongues out at us right before they go down the hatch." The
third secretary spotted a imp and went after it, emerging victoriously with a
full set of silverware--fork, knife, and spoon. Ok, so the spoon was seriously
A fourth secretary paled. "If you get the Scungili, make sure it's properly
dead first. Last time I got it, I had to fight it off. Worse than my boss."
"Oh, you're Belial's, aren't you? Boy, do I feel sorry for you! Does he
have that tail-sex fetish?"
"You mean it gets worse?"
"Honey, down here it *always* gets worse."
"Trust me on this one, sweetie. Mammon's even worse. At least I don't have
worry about him groping me now. He's *groping* that red-haired girl in
accounting. Wonder if anyone's told him the girl is actually a boy in drag..."
"Nah. Mammon wouldn't listen, anyway." The first secretary slurped the
from the bowl. "He's so full of it that every time he speaks it shoots out
from the ears. It's hell cleaning up after a meeting."
"Wonder if anyone's told him that Ashteroth is laying pipe with the same
male. I guess not."
"He is?" Ashteroth's secretary said. "No wonder he's been preening. The
actually asked Miriam the other day if there was something wrong with
"Oh, I bet that list could fill a book! Several books, if you ask me."
"Did you hear about Stone?" One of the secretaries grinned. "I get all
sent back people. They're all either screaming mad or resolved to their fate.
Poor Benedict, though. I let him keep the book."
"Stone, Stone, Stone...I hear the Devil screaming about him at least five
times a day. It's like Stone lives to aggravate the Big Hooch." A slow grin
spread over the secretary's face. "It's so much fun, even through it means I
have to go looking for the cat-o-nine-tails whips afterwards for him.."
"Did Sally Ann come back yet? I know Mammon only misses her because she's
potted she doesn't catch on that he's always dropping stuff and asking her to
bend over and pick it up so he can snatch a glimpse of her panties."
"She's back." The secretary took a big swing of the whiskey he kept hidden
under the table. "Screaming bloody murder, if I may add. Mammon was right
there, arms wide, 'Come here, baby. Kiss-kiss'."
"You'd know why that's all he does if you ever met his wife." The blonde
shivered. "I wouldn't want to be the the chippie she caught him with. I like
having a face."
"Did you hear about Azarel? Got caught with his angelic lover. And both
pants were down. The Devil went bananas, screaming about how he'd beat
Azarel's ass...you know why?" One of the secretaries lit up her cigarette. It
spluttered and died. She looked at it in disgust and flickered it away. "He
knows that if Beelzubub finds out about Azarel's little Key Lime pie, there's
going to be Heaven to pay."
All the secretaries shivered at the mention of Mammon's wife. "Oh, no.
under the desk whenever I see her coming. *I* like having my balls and penis
intact, thank you."
"So, do you think she's caught on about the redhead from accounting yet?"
A angry scream emanated through the caverns. Chips of rock flew from the
and ceiling, adding a layer of dust to the food. "Sounds like it," one of the
secretaries remarked grimly. "I hope she doesn't splatter blood on the
paperwork again. I just got done cleaning up from the last time."
"You wish. She *likes* it messy. Says it sends a message. What message?"
secretary leaned down and blew the dust off. She noticed the octupus moving
and stabbed it with her pen.
"They just come back, if less intact."
"And thank Satan for that. Imagine the cleaning we'd have to do if all
bodies just laid around and got incarnated again elsewhere."
"I don't even want to begin to think about the paperwork *that* would entail."
She snorted and went on, dryly. "This is your 2,374th time before the court.
My, you do have a talent for pissing people off, don't you?"
"And imagine the bills! Remember the guy who did Stone's coat? He's due
in, what, about 3 years. Heart attack. Committed adultery with, get this, his
The secretaries stared at the one who had said this. Then laughed. "You
said one laughing secretary, "Would Maury do a show on this? Or Jerry
Springer? I love that man!"
"Just wait... he'll be down here soon enough."
"Quite. Don't you think 2,374 times is, you know, a little too *excessive*?
And imagine how many file cabinets we'd need."
"And how much more chaos those imps could cause! I'm already missing three
files today. I swear, the next one I see, I'm nailing to the door with my
"Staple gun? I have a bazooka. Makes a nice hole in their backsides. Want
try it out?"
"You do? Great! I might just use it on more than the imps..."
"We got a new shipment of those, "My parents died and went to Hell and
got was this lousy T-shirt" shirts again. I wish Belial would stop ordering
them. Who are we going to sell them to? I still have 6 cases left from the
"Maybe the Devil'd give them to Stone? Get him to sell those, you know,
"Are you kidding? He couldn't give those things away. Maybe we could let
Devil wear them."
"Mr. Suave? You have to be kidding! He dresses so well."
"And so quickly, too!"
The secretaries turned on the one who had spoken. "You know something? Tell!"
"Tell! Or I'll unload that Chinese poet on you and let *him* try to finish
last line of his bad poem!"
The woman quickly acquiesced. "It all goes back to Stone. The last time
Devil came back... well, let's just say the problem isn't what's eating him,
but what's *not* eating him... The Boss always did have good taste. Nice butt,
"You mean.." all the secretaries held their breaths. "You mean the Devil
hard-on for Stone?" One said in disbelief. "Him?"
"The originial Mr. I Do Not Have Feelings?"
"Well, he has them now. Or, one very large feeling." She mimed a bulge
"Oh man! You know what that means? Unless we get the Big Man laid, he's
to give us a hard time!"
"Yeah, but what can we do? It's not like we have any influence over Stone...
not that I'd mind having it if I did..."
"Me either. I'd like to get my hands on that butt of his... hoola, hoola!"
"That's not all I'd like to get my hands on! You should have seen him when
got the tattoos. Very yummy." The woman sighed. "Well, at least I'll have my
"Memories... ah, memories. It's all we have here."
"Don't tell me--you're getting depressed again. You know what that
"And Beelzebub with those rubber gloves of his."
"He *loves* using them. Don't give him a excuse..."
"Come on girls, I know if we think about it, we can find a way to keep
boss-man happy. And ourselves in one piece."
Deep in the caverns, the bell clanged again. Lunch was over, and so, for
moment, was the gossip.
The secretaries dumped their garbage into the lava pit and filed out. The
one out, a blonde, threw a look back at the cavern. "We'll find a way..." A
joyfully malicious grin flitted over her face as she followed her fellow
workers back to their offices.
Contact the Authors LadySerez and LadyRhian
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